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Recovering from Affairs & Extramarital Relationships

9/3/2014

There are few events within a marriage that challenges its fiber and viability, as does infidelity. This noted, it is important to realize that a significant percentage of successful long-term marriages have survived episodes of infidelity. This fact in no way diminishes the impact, or pain associated with these events, but it does provide an important hope for getting to the other side of these moments when both spouses wish to do so.

As a starting point in understanding and addressing infidelity within therapy it is important to look beyond the onset of the extramarital affair and explore the issue of emotional intimacy within the marriage. Infidelity and affairs always occur within the context of both the partner’s individual style of connection (attachment) and their shared pattern of connection.

In the painful process of sorting through this complicated set of variables there is often opportunity for healing of the dynamics that set the stage for the infidelity. Clearly the individual who did not step outside of the relationship initially has the most difficult task in working through the sense of betrayal represented by their partner’s behavior, yet in the final analysis some shift in the emotional dance on the part of both partners is necessary and possible for the healing of the dynamics that led to the infidelity.

It is also a fact that some relationships are unable to heal following an extramarital affair, yet this has not as much to do with the affair as it does with the partner's ability to take the essential risk of emotional vulnerability in the face of this painful event. As so eloquently outlined by folks such as Brene Brown (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability), intimacy, or emotional closeness can occur only in the context of emotional vulnerability, particularly to our deepest fear of not being “enough” for the ones we love.

Intensive marital therapy, such as that offered in marriage retreats can be a powerful tool towards opening the emotional door wide enough to allow in our partners. The opportunity to be cut off from the outside world, immersed in an effort to open to one another and oneself emotional doors which have been shut, or perhaps never opened is invaluable. When daily intensive individual and couples therapy is followed by the opportunity to have fun together on a wonderful vacation it can provide a great avenue to a new beginning.

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Geographical Solutions and Geographical Dilemmas - The Expat life and Relationships

9/2/2014

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There are many forces that drive the choice to live as an expat: adventure, affordable comfort, natural beauty, employment opportunities and for some a deep longing for a “new beginning”.   Whatever the reason, more often than not those making this choice are joined by loved ones who are somewhere between joyfully accompanying and reluctantly in tow.

Life in an unfamiliar setting brings with it many relational opportunities and challenges. Typically this path results in expat families spending more time together and sensing far greater interdependence. Issues such as language competency, host culture, access to other Expats and personal security greatly impact a family’s experience and adjustment to a new culture.

When this adjustment plays out within relatively stable and secure relationships the challenges can be difficult, but ultimately workable and rewarding. However, if entering this process couples or families are not in a positive pattern of relating there can be very little “honeymoon” . If things are not good within one’s relationships the excitement of the adventure and the initial challenges of adjustment may provide a brief distraction from underlying issues. However, in time unresolved relationship issues tend to play out for Expats in what seems to be a “conflict accelerator”. This is in no way to suggest that the expat life can’t be a positive force for relationships, but it is to say if entered naively without thoughtful consideration and preparation the relationship wheels can come off quite quickly.

So what advice does this long married, aging, expat psychologist have to offer with regard to making the best of this opportunity?.

First, honestly and openly ask yourself and your fellow adventures these questions.

For the most part do we:

express appropriate levels of respect, kindness, trust and playfulness within our
relationship?

have channels of communication that result in positive collaboration?

make decisions collaboratively and by consensus?

Second, ask the question, “How are we at forgiveness?”. The learning curve associated with life in a new setting will involve a number of missteps along the way. In these missteps there will be ample need to both seek and offer forgiveness, as we inadvertently hurt or disregard the other. Expat or not the quality of our relationships will be significantly tied to our capacities to seek and offer forgiveness, a connect –tear–repair process is at the core of any strong attachment.

A third and extremely important issue in assessing readiness for the challenges and opportunities of the expat life centers on the issue of substances, particularly alcohol.   There is no question that the expat life increases the potential for the development or exacerbation of substance use problems.   Issues such as social isolation; life within a resort-like setting where “everyday is a vacation” and the stress of adjustment all promote potential substance use issues. Each setting or culture has its own challenges and supports with respect to substances, but realizing the potential for the slow drift towards substance dependency while living as an expat is a significant part of managing it. For those entering the expat experience with an existing substance use issue I can not over state the need for caution and treatment prior to departure.

If your assessment of any of these factors suggests a need for realignment, do not ignore this fact in hope that the new setting will make things better. Get some help, make time for some honest focused discussion and share plans as to how you are going to manage potential relational problems in the new setting. Make it clear to yourself and your loved ones that this adventure is going to have some relational perils and that when they occur they need to be addressed as openly and as soon as possible.

One of the dilemmas associated with relationship and substance use issues while living as an Expat relates to finding good, competent professional help. For many it may be best to establish a relationship with a US based clinician for a “check-up” prior to departure, or at least to establish a relationship that might be accessible by phone or Skype if needed. If this is not possible or enough there are several excellent retreat based mental health programs that might be a good option, should things seem to become unglued. There are also a number of helpful texts that can be useful if read together by spouses or parents.   Some that I recommend are “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson, Ph.D. for couples and the “Whole Brain Child” and “Brainstorm”, for parents of children and adolescents respectively, both written by Dan Siegel, MD.

In approaching the exciting adventure of the expat life don’t allow yourself to be naïve, simply hoping and or pretending that relationship issues will not arise. Ask yourselves the tough questions, seek help when needed and do the work necessary to preserve the precious state of relational well being, a “state” not found on any map.

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why go to a therapy retreat vs. weekly therapy

9/2/2014

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As couples and families work to manage busy lives impacted by a wide range of stressors it is not uncommon to find themselves struggling and eventually in a therapist’s office looking for help and a better sense of connection with one another. Although often helpful, there are times when these therapy sessions seem to open few doors and sadly result in an increased sense of discouragement and isolation. The failure of these interventions frequently has little to do with the competency of the therapist or even the degree of family “dysfunction”, but more often seems to be linked to the enormous number of distractions (i.e. work, school, friends, extended family, after school activities…..) which take away from the time and focus necessary to care for and enjoy one another.   As our lives become hugely busy and we find ourselves drifting away from one another triggers of underlying insecurity, egocentricity and less than graceful defensive behavior become common.

Over time the pattern of interaction within most highly stressed families is shadowed by a consistent undercurrent of disappointment and conflict.   It is not that family members no longer love one another, but rather that they have lost the ability to see each other accurately or to enjoy one another.   As these dynamics play-out over time so does the potential for the seeking of solace within extramarital affairs, substance abuse and depressive detachment from one’s own feelings . For both adults and children the reaction to a sense of isolation and disconnection is rarely positive or adaptive.

The unique and intensive treatment model offered through Family Therapy Vacations is specifically designed to pull family members away from distractions and to support them in both the work and joy of what it is to be connected. The combination of intensive clinical work with the opportunity to share a wonderful adventure vacation is for many couples and families the right tact to a new beginning.

This program is operated out of a beautiful ocean view villa in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua and provides clients a highly individualized experience tailored to the specific couple’s or family’s needs. Dr. Stewart, the program’s clinical director is a licensed psychologist with 30 years of experience, whom together with his wife Janet, a psychiatric nurse, bring mature and gender balanced insights and skills to the program’s clinical work.   The Integrative Therapy model within which they work has a heavy emphasis on acceptance and forgiveness as a precursor to real change within relationships.

In discussing this unique program with Dr. Stewart and his wife it is impossible to avoid their enthusiasm and deep belief in this program. When asked about the effectiveness of the program for past clients Dr. Stewart indicates that the majority of the people coming into the program are at a very serious point within their relationships, with many of them looking at this resource as their last resort. However despite this high level of acuity he indicates that they have been extremely successful in supporting couples and families in achieving a sense of “starting over”.

For further information on their relatively wide range Family Therapy Vacation programs please visit their website at : www. Familytherapyvacations.com

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What do you mean by "Attachment Focused Therapy"?

9/2/2014

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The Family Therapy Vacations treatment model is deeply informed by work such as Sue Johnson’s, as well as that of Daniel Hughes’ Attachment Focus Family Therapy and the Integrative Couples Therapy model of treatment. Common to all of these approaches is recognition that at the core of a good relationship is a strong emotional attachment and that at the core of virtually all relational struggles is emotional disconnection and vulnerability. At FTV our work centers on the restoring of trust, emotional openness and the ability to join in avoiding the patterns that lead relationships towards painful and destructive defensiveness. As couples grow in their awareness of their negative patterns of interaction (in Johnson’s terms their Devil Dialogs) they grow in their sense of safety and openness to more in-depth emotional sharing and deeper connections.

Increased understanding of one another’s underlying emotions and how we have intentionally and unintentionally deeply hurt the other is a first step to the healing process of seeking and offering forgiveness. Moving away from the destructive pattern of placing blame, towards recognition of our own part in the painful dance of strife and/or withdrawal allows for new beginnings, renewal of a sense of emotional safety and hope.

Our model concentrates on the issue of emotional attachment and tends to focus on the here and now of the relationship, as opposed to extensive reworking of old hurts.

This said there is some degree of historical work in better understanding both your own and your partners attachment history and the way in which it may set traps of vulnerability within your current relationships.

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Recovering from Affairs & Extramarital Relationships

Geographical Solutions and Geographical Dilemmas - The Expat life and Relationships

why go to a therapy retreat vs. weekly therapy

What do you mean by "Attachment Focused Therapy"?

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